Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
