I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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