Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
