The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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