please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
