About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
