My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Randomize
