Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
