Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
