as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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