The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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