Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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