I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
