The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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