Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
