i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
