Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
