I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
