I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
