saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
