My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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