remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
