Screwed.edu
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
