that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Randomize
