I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
