Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
