I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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