I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
