he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
