I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
