and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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