I want to make a zoo with you.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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