Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
