easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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