so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
