Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
