I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
