I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
