Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
