i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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