dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
