i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
