Fine. I'll sleep in my office
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
