I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
