Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
