the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
