He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
i need some magic done to my vagina
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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