Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
