What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
