i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
