My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You have to summon your inner elephant
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
